You are on an amazing journey of remembering who you really are. That is the whole point of our existence. Why else would we be here, if not to live a congruent life? Major disappointments can pull us off our path whether it’s an abusive relationship, the loss of a loved one, feeling betrayed or the lack of self-esteem.
How to get back on track is always the question. Do you self medicate, become depressed, attempt to control everyone and everything in your life and then turn the anger inward? Unresolved memories get buried in our tissues and can lead to illness or trigger favorable and unfavorable responses. Do you say the words “I don’t like myself” or “I don’t feel like myself”? Of course you don’t like the crazy person you created when you were not aligned with your true nature.
I promise you. You like your true self so those words should never be spoken. The work is to align your beliefs, thoughts, words and actions with your true nature. Accepting disappointments and moving on is hard. It really does take a village. Find your inner strength through the support of others who mirror your core beliefs and remind you who you really are. Here is a story from my life.
After a tumultuous year in Dallas my family moved to New England. I got pregnant and was thrilled that our third child would be born into a healthy stable family, a blessing. Interestingly, the baby I was carrying would wave at me twice. My mother who accompanied me to my ultrasound said to me “look she is waving at us, saying hello”. A few days after Christmas, in slow motion giving me ample time to really see her, she floated effortlessly buoyantly over my bed waving. It wasn’t until the end of the week I knew she had said goodbye.
I spent the next four days saying, “My womb is a tomb”. Sobbing, unable to eat or sleep I felt a cold, empty stillness throughout my body. I wasn’t even sure I was still alive the stillness was so deep and penetrating.
Trying to understand how a benevolent God or healthcare community would think it OK not to intervene. I had to wait four days for the only fetal demise and abortion specialist in the hospital system due to the length of my pregnancy and the thinning of the uterus. This further sickened me. I felt trapped and punished? I lost faith in God, I was angry. The autopsy showed that she was perfect, the doctor told me a million things had to go right, her heart just stopped.
Everywhere I went I saw pregnant women or women with small babies. I isolated myself at home and avoided people who not knowing that I lost the baby would ask about my pregnancy. It was all just too tiring to keep retelling the story. I didn’t like myself. A deep dark depression followed. I was numb going through the motions of life.
One day, a vision to create art quilts ignited my spirit. I immersed myself deeply, meditating in communion with the silence connected with the process. My pursuit of self-expression through the colors, textures, designs, shibori, fabric painting and dyeing became a passion for me. I entered several Juried Shows and won ribbons. I worked in solitude and dived deep into my being, each piece felt like I was giving birth, a creation. The work was not meant to be stored on a shelf. I sold the quilts, which was another process of separation. I hope they are still hanging in a place of honor in the homes and organizations that purchased them. You can see many of the quilts on my website gallery, I will add more pictures from time to time.
Many years after the loss of my baby her soul came to me and said “I am still coming, see you later”. She told me I would have my hands full enough and to take care of myself. Her spirit was light and breezy almost effervescent in nature, maybe even flighty. As though changing her mind to come to earth as my daughter was no big deal. Many psychics have told me that she is my granddaughter.
I became a Maternal Child Health Nurse and a Certified Sudden Infant Death Counselor and helped many families grieve. Parents appreciated my perspective on life, the afterlife and the value of living their lives. I would never trade the life of my daughter for any lessen I learned about myself or to build compassion for others. My message is to live the life you are given with all its disappointments and blessings. We can never see the whole picture our human minds are too limited.
It took me years if not decades to heal from my loss. Heal does not mean forget. I will eternally remember every breath of that time. What I mean is I created space in my heart for blessings and possibilities. I released the grief, the pain. My deep soul work and finding purpose allowed me to move forward in a healthy way.
My hope for all of you who mourn a loss is that you create a space in your heart for love. A lighter heart can receive and give so much. Healing is no small task. The deep work of going to the root of emotions requires trust in the process and a spiritual director, close friend, minister or therapist who can guide you on your journey. The years I spent suffering cannot be replaced, there is no reason good enough not to heal. Find a friend or professional to support your healing for yourself, your family, friends and community. Why not now, today.
Remember to keep your heart open to observe and appreciate the subtle surprises that always pop in when you least expect them. Synchronicities are the universes’ way to let us know that we are not alone and we really matter.